there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Randomize