In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
