i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
