dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
