I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
