Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
