Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
