Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
