I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
