I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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