I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
