Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize