I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
