You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
