you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
