I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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