i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
