Have you finally orgasmed yet?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize