Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
