I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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