I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
