2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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