If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
