You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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