3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We are all done wearing pants today
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
We smell like vodka and hangover
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