do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
