I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
If I die, sorry about rent.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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