Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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