Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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