apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
