After last night, I could never be a politician.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
