I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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