There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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