Yo dont text me then not text me
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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