If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
