My underwear smells like fireworks.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
