I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
