I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
