Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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