The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
