The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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