theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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