I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My feet surprised me
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
