Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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