Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
