we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize