My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
