The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just googled if crying burns calories
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize