More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize