My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
