I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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