Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
