I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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