I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
