Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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