so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
