the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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