I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
