Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
