2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize