i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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